I suffer from a very serious case of procrastination.....I have been wanting to write about this for so long but just couldn't get myself to do it. Better late than never I guess..
Then again this might actually be the right time to do it, i mean after I have calmed down and all. Lets not forget I am still bitter (working on it though).
For the past 3months i have been angry, at what? Well lets see.... the world, myself, my friends and basically a few of the people that i trusted.
As much as that may seem cowardly I belive that I do have the right to be angry. No human being can posibbly be on such high spirits without a once in a while backslide.
I will compare my life at this moment like that of a recovering alcoholic. I have Good SRAIGHT days and then comes the times when my weak willed self throws me back into the "Dark times".
If you are to ask anyone who is accuainted (No one really knows me) with me who I was they would probably let you in on this happy go lucky free spirited Individual.
I tell you that is not me, i am a compulsive , Obsessive , need to be in control insecure being just like ''wanjiku'' looking for approval and guidance.
It is only this honest look at myself that could explain the fall that subsequently led to this state of mind the past 3 months.
OOhh!! how I long for the day i will be what others see...... a notion I am aware I share with many out there.
I suffred what seemed to be the biggest failure and humiliation of my life; the realization that I had been dreaming and leaving a lie.
The sleepless nights, the near suicidal moments (too much of a coward though to go through with it) and the endless counseling from peers and family.
Life sure has a way of slowing us down, and I believe I might have had it all too much in my head and was sprinting during a full marathon (even God knew i wasn't going to finish that race).
This is my APOLOGY to all who spend there time trying to ''fix'' me, I chose to associate with catfish and beer COMPLETELY UNDERMINING YOUR EFFORTS.
Funny how you can expose individuals to champagne and caviar and their pallets still crave catfish and beer.
I have hopefully said my peace after the tears.
xoxo
